Tokudo Notes

I started this blog as a way to honor my 10th anniversary of receiving Tokudo.  I kept a small journal during the weeks leading up to my journey to Kyoto, Japan as well as throughout the process.  I would like to share some of those personal reflections with you.

Thank you for taking the time to read them.  ~Jishin
______________________________________________________

Tokudo Journal Note Excerpts

October 3, 2003
It is my daughter's 20th birthday.  Arrived at airport.  It is very warm here.
Shuttle driver said it is a two hour drive to Kyoto.  I am sure there will be stops along the way.
I arrive at the Hongwanji.  Overwhelemed by it all.
----
Rev. Sasaki arrives and walks me to the robe maker's shop.  I get to try on all of my robes.  My first name "Diane" is embroidered onto every piece.  Very beautiful.

October 6, 2003
First day wearing of the robes.  We must wear them all the time now.
Took a tour behind the main altar to see the 400 year old flame and the 400 year old Kansho bell.

October 7, 2003
Today I feel like I am having a break down.  I cry at the drop of a hat.  Feeling so unprepared.
Some of my fellow candidates think I am foolish. One person tells me to basically "get over it".  I don't expect anyone else to understand how deep this experience is affecting me.  I feel like I am being split wide open and broke into pieces.  My ignorance for all to see.  The ugly, the dark, and the lost parts of me.

October 10, 2003
All afternoon with Inagaki Sensei as our teacher.  After today's training we walked through the back gardens to the the great Chinese style gate and the boat house.  It is late and getting dark and the bats are flying after their dinner.

October 12, 2003
Rev. Hayashi arrives.  It is 10:30pm and I am sitting outside under a large tree.  Rev. Hayashi cuts my hair very short in preparation for my tonsure.  (I decide to have my head completely shaved like the men.)

October 14, 2003
Head shaved at Nishiyama training school.  I touch my head.  The skin does not feel human.  Who am I?

October 16, 2003
Ordination day.  Visit Shinran's memorial site and offer incense.  Photographers take our pictures.

A duty of a priest:
"Share you life in such a way to become a strong influence."

"Realize Shinjin for oneself and guiding others."

Jishin kyo ninshin (自信教人信) (Thank you to Dharma friend, Dominick for the clarification.)

"The Dharma is to be comprehended by one's whole being"

"It is a whole life commitment."
____________________________________

It was very emotional for me to re-read allot of my notes (not all are noted here). Hard to believe it will be 10 years since writing these words and experiencing Tokudo.

I am a very simple person, not highly educated and a terrible student.  I should study more and strive to be a better Priest.  My heart aches when I think of my life in the Nembutsu..when I think on Amida.  The ache is not one of sadness, but of a full-ness of deep-rooted joy...so, so deep that it is hard to describe.

Maybe you have that ache, too.

Namu Amida Butsu

Thank you,
Jishin