My youngest child was abused before he was born...
His mother drank alcohol, snorted cocaine and ingested various other drugs during her pregnancy.
Born cocaine positive, this little boy had a hard life ahead of him.
I thought I could save him.
I adopted him when he was 4 years old.
He has an infectious smile, he loves everyone and everyone loves him.
He is witty and smart in many ways.
At the age of 5 years old he told me he wanted to die.
So young, for such heavy words.
Doctor's say that his brain has been permanently affected by the drugs and alcohol his mother ingested.
It was out of his hands...he had no choice.
Years of "ups" and "downs" followed...mood swings, thoughts of self-destruction, medication, therapy.
The toll it was taking on both of us became too great.
When a parent becomes afraid of their own child, it is time to let go.
I had to let go and allow others to take care of him...for his sake and for mine.
The guilt was overwhelming...still is at times....
Now at the age of 15 years old my son struggles with his mental illness.
He struggles with his impulses...
He struggles with his deep desires...
He struggles with his need for things he can not have....
He struggles with the desire to take what is not his....
He struggles to stay alive, for his mind tells him otherwise...
He is in a fight for his life, daily....
His suffering is deep....
this is all I can say...
Namu Amida Butsu
Jishin
Thank you for sharing your suffering as well as your joys.
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