Moving Towards Amida....(Journal Notes 1-30-2013)

(Special Note: I am in the process of moving, so my posts will be delayed over the several days.  Thank you and Gassho!)


Moving Towards Amida

I hear you Amida
I run
I fall
I get back up again
battered, bruised, scattered, used...

Moving towards you
seeking you
finding you within
finding you without
in
out
here you are
here I am
Namu Amida Butsu
Find you Amida Butsu
Need you Amida Butsu
Thank you Amida Butsu

Moving towards you
seeking you
this foolish child
runs to my parent
Amida
arms open
grasping
never letting
go..................................................

Thank you,
Jishin

Distraction (Journal Notes 1-29-2013)

I am distracted easily.

I am distracted by my thoughts, dreams and desires.

I get distracted by the chatter in my head.

I have always been able to relate to the idea of "monkey mind".

Picture you mind like a beautiful tree...each thought, each memory, each idea is a branch...growing, blooming, fading when done, renewing again...

and then come the monkeys...

those wild thoughts jumping from branch to branch...the negative thoughts, the wild desires, the great joys, overwhelming happiness, schemes and plans....monkeys, monkeys everywhere...

How do I calm those monkeys...I certainly don't want to kill them off or starve them or cage them...I want my thoughts to be free to jump and spin and flip around..that is creativity in full bloom.

but there are moments when I get attached to one thought and ignore others...not good

or there are thoughts that I allow to beat me down into a dark place emotionally...not good

or, on a lighter note, there are thoughts that make me so excited and happy that I just want them to last and last at all costs....not good either

so what do I do to calm my mind..not sure I will ever master that task!

The monkey mind is truly a condition of being human.

When all else fails I remember that
this mighty monkey mind of mine
has its roots deeply anchored
to my heart.
A heart that I share with Amida Buddha.

Amida grasps me tightly when my mind begins to creek and moan with the weight of so many thoughts.
Living a life in the Nembutsu doesn't prune the thoughts...The Nembusu sheds light on each and every one.

Namu Amida Butsu makes me take notice, settle down and know Amida.

Know Amida, know yourself....

Let the Nembutsu grow on you and in you....building strong, deep roots that will support you...just as you are!

Thank you,
Jishin

Rejoice in the happiness!

"The Buddha-Dharma is difficult to follow,
　　　　　　　because the Primal Vow Power is difficult to understand;
　　　　　The Buddha-Dharma is easy to follow,
　　　　　　　because the Parent is with us."

"Nembutsu is praising and acknowledging the benevolence.
　　　　　　　It is the manifestation of the mind to praise the Tathagata
　　　　　　and rejoice in the happiness given to us."

"To study Buddhism is to study the Tathagata's Mind of
　　　　　　　　Great Compassion."

-Zuiken Inagaki Sensei

________________________________________________


There is so much I do not understand.  My mind whirls like a tornado at times...causing great destruction.  When my mind is calm, I hear the Nembutsu clearly without fail.

The Call of the Compassionate and Wise Buddha never fails me....yet, I often fail to hear the call of Amida because my mind is distracted and my heart is heavy.

Every breath is a new opportunity to say Namu Amida Butsu!

Keep breathing....

Keep hearing the Call.....

Keep the Nembutsu close to your heart.....

Keep the joy present in all that you do.....

Namu Amida Butsu

Thank you,
Jishin

Out of the mouths of babes...

January 27, 2013

Today, I went to the Oregon Buddhist Temple.  I brought my dear friend, Julie and her 5 year old granddaughter, Annie.  I also brought along a friend of mine named Emma.  Emma is 8 years old.  Emma and Annie attended a special Children's Service while we attended service in the Hondo. We had a wonderful visit to temple and as always, Rev. Greg Gibbs delivered a great Dharma message.  After temple, the four of us went for lunch, ice cream and then did some shopping.  Girls day out!  It was then time to drop Emma off at her home and for the rest of us to head back to our homes in Rainier, Oregon (about 1 hour drive away from Portland, Oregon).  Ten minutes after I dropped off Emma, I receive a frantic phone call from her.

Emma then proceeded to ask me the following questions:

"I forgot the words I am supposed to say to the Buddha!!  What are those Japanese words I am supposed to say when I pray to the Buddha?"

I say, "Oh you must mean Namu Amida Butsu?"

She said, "Yes!! That's it...can you spell that for me?  What should I pray for when I stand in front of the Buddha?"

I could not help but to smile when she asked me these questions!  She was quite sincere and she wanted to make sure she was "doing it the right way" when it came to talking to the Buddha.

You see, today was Emma's and Annie's first experience with Buddhism.  Their first encounter with Amida Buddha.  Their first time putting their hands together in Gassho.  Their first time offering incense.  

I encountered Buddhism when I was 29 years old.  I came to know Jodo Shinshu when I was 33 years old.  At the age of 40 I received Tokudo (ordination).  This year I will celebrate (if causes and conditions allow) my 50th birthday!  Times stands still for no one.

So today, two little girls met Amida Buddha for the first time.  Their shining faces looked into Amida's face with great curiosity and wonder.  They have many questions.  I hope I have some answers.

My wish for you...

Yes, you reading this right now...

My wish is that you will look into Amida's face with great curiosity and wonder.  Allow your child-like curiosity to return.

Look to Amida with the eyes of a child.

Listen to what your heart has to say.

Listen, and you will hear Namu Amida Butsu for the first time!

Thank you,

Jishin

A son's battle with himself...(Journal entry 1-26-13)

My youngest child was abused before he was born...

His mother drank alcohol, snorted cocaine and ingested various other drugs during her pregnancy.

Born cocaine positive, this little boy had a hard life ahead of him.

I thought I could save him.

I adopted him when he was 4 years old.

He has an infectious smile, he loves everyone and everyone loves him.

He is witty and smart in many ways.

At the age of 5 years old he told me he wanted to die.

So young, for such heavy words.

Doctor's say that his brain has been permanently affected by the drugs and alcohol his mother ingested.

It was out of his hands...he had no choice.

Years of "ups" and "downs" followed...mood swings, thoughts of self-destruction, medication, therapy.

The toll it was taking on both of us became too great.

When a parent becomes afraid of their own child, it is time to let go.

I had to let go and allow others to take care of him...for his sake and for mine.

The guilt was overwhelming...still is at times....

Now at the age of 15 years old my son struggles with his mental illness.

He struggles with his impulses...

He struggles with his deep desires...

He struggles with his need for things he can not have....

He struggles with the desire to take what is not his....

He struggles to stay alive, for his mind tells him otherwise...

He is in a fight for his life, daily....

His suffering is deep....

this is all I can say...


Namu Amida Butsu
Jishin

Amida's face.....

The first lines of Sanbutsuge are translated as:

The light of your face is unsurpassed in majesty,
Your awesome greatness is beyond limit,
A brightly shining flame with no equal.
Next to your brilliance,
Even the brightness of sun,
Moon, and Manji jewel seem covered in black ink.
________________________________________________________________________________

January 25, 2013

I came across this image on EBay of an Amida Buddha statue with no face.  I was very moved by the image.  I have many questions:

What happened to the face?

To whom did this belong?

Was the face removed by an angry person?

This statue may have an incredible story to tell.

Amida-no-face.

Face removed.

Labels removed.

Images held tight in my mind are broken free.

Amida has your face.

Amida has my face.

Amida directs the light of Compassion and Wisdom

into my heart, into my mind.

I am so blinded by my own desires that I can not see Amida's face.

I can not see the beauty before me.

Amida-no-face

reminds me of my

blindness - my inability to see Truth.

And yet, Amida, knowing my sight is limited

calls to me

louder and louder

Namu Amida Butsu!

Namu Amida Butsu!

Namu Amida Butsu!

I hear you, I hear you......thank you!

Jishin

Lean into the unpleasantness....

Lean into the unpleasantness...

Unpleasant

Unsatisfied

Unfullfilled

I am often unwilling to face the fact that I create many unpleasant thoughts in my mind.  I think about something "I want" and I think about something "I hate" or I think about something "I just got to have".  These are thoughts not brought on by others or by the objects I desire themselves.  These thoughts are my creation, born out of boundless desires and cravings that, at times overwhelm me.

Is it possible to work through the unpleasantness of life?

Can one "lean into the unpleasantness" and face it head-on with the knowledge of the Dharma as a guide?

When one understands that we experience unpleasantness once born into this world

and

when one understands that unpleasantness just doesn't magically appear from outside of our minds

and

when we realize that the root of unpleasantness comes from our deluded perspective on life itself

and

when we discover that Jodo Shinshu offers a path that sheds light on the unpleasantness that we create

it is only then

that we come

to the understanding that 

each of us

full of blind passions

and delusion

are saved

never abandoned

through Amida's

saving Vow.

Lean into the unpleasantness without fear....

Lean into the unpleasantness without hesitating...

Lean into life itself....just as you are!

Namu Amida Butsu

Thank you,

Jishin

Finding my voice....

Because of wonderful technology and the internet, I can listen to the chanting of Shoshinge, Sanbutsuge, Sanbujo, and Juseige with the click of my mouse.  How fortunate I am.  How fortunate we all are.

Chanting of Shoshinge, Sanbutsuge, Sanbujo, and Juseige

Some days I need to hear the voices of others chanting; makes me feel not so alone.  It is so very nice to hear the blending of many voices, young and old, male and female.  I try to imagine the faces of the people chanting and wonder what their lives are like.

It warms my heart to hear another voice chanting.  We respond so naturally to the voice of another human.  Thinking back, remembering my Mother's voice calling me to come inside for the evening....calling me home.
I hear my Mother calling me to dinner....time to come home and receive the nourishment she prepared for my growing body.

I also like to think on the thousands and thousands of people before me that have chanted the Sutras.  The Wheel that was set in motion continues to turn today with the chanting of the Sutras and the Nembutsu.

I have a confession: I was afraid to chant in front of others or say the Nembutsu above a whisper many years ago.  I had to find my voice.  I had to find my confidence.  Sounds silly, I know, but that was me.

Once I started attending services regularly, my confidence began to grow.  I heard all sorts of voices chanting and saying Namu Amida Butsu.  Not everyone was on key, some chanted a little slower or faster, but it was the strength in the conviction of the chanting that impressed me the most.  The voices reflected the hearts of those surrounding me.  I was surrounded by Dharma friends that truly entrusted in living a life in the Nembutsu.

This brings me to a brief story;

I arrived in Kyoto, Japan two days before my Tokudo training was to begin.  I attended a morning service at the Hongwaji. Several women sat near me.  I could tell they were friend be the way the smiled and greeted each other.  Although I did not know anyone (or speak Japanese), I felt at home on the tatami mat in the Hondo. With my hands in gassho I said the Nembutsu loud and clear as it burst from my heart.  In that moment I heard some commotion coming from the back of the temple.  Rambling into the Hondo was an old man.  He was dressed in tattered clothes and I noticed the holes in his socks has he made his way passed me.  He made a beeline to the front of the Hondo.  It appeared to me that he wanted to get as close to the Amida as possible.  He fell to his knees and called out in a very loud voice "Namu Amida Butsu!  Namu Amida Butsu! Namu Amida Butsu!"  He was shouting to Amida.  He was calling out the Name with his whole being.  I thought to myself, "He really needs to talk to Amida this morning!"  Then the old man got up, bowed to Amida turned around and left the Hondo.  Some people seemed a bit shocked by his actions.  I was a bit shocked at first, too but then my shock turned to admiration.  I admired that old man's determination and focus.  He was not ashamed to cry out to Amida.  He came before Amida tattered and torn and shouted out Namu Amida Butsu!

From that moment on something changed in me.  It felt like something deep inside of me opened up and was no longer afraid.  I found my own voice.  I found my Nembutsu.  I hear Amida's voice calling me loud and clear and I shout back "Namu Amida Butsu!"

Have you found your voice?  If not, keep trying.  Listen to Amida calling you.  Listen to the compassion and  wisdom in the voices of your Dharma friends.  Find your voice, listen to your heart and shout, "Namu Amida Butsu!"


Thank you,
Jishin

Every day is a Nembutsu day!

My mind is tired tonight.
Not much in the way of spiritual thoughts.
I am glad that I made the comittment to write everyday.
Today is the 22nd day of my efforts to share some of my thoughts about living the life of a Shin Buddhist.
It is not always easy to share what I am thinking.
I don't want to sound like a broken record.
If I have too many "dark" days in a row, my writings are going to reflect my struggle.
Hang in there (if you following my posts).
I try to convey my heartfelt feelings.
I am being brutally honest.
The longer I sit here in from of the computer, the better I feel about writing.

Every day is a Nembutsu day!
Every day I am aware of Amida's compassion and wisdom.
Every day I am grateful for the causes and conditions that brought me to Buddhism.
Every day I am grateful for the causes and conditions that brought me to Jodo Shinshu.
Every day I am grateful for this life!
Every day is a Nembutsu day!

Every day....
Every day....

Grateful............................

Namu Amida Butsu!

Thank you,
Jishin

Amida do you hear me?

Amida do you hear me?

Sometimes I shout out your name and other times I can only manage a whisper.

Today is a shouting kind of day.

Today I shout "Namu Amida Butsu!" because the sun is shining and I feel great.

I feel great today because I am alive, healthy and able to appreciate the beauty of all that is around me.

Buddhism teaches that we are responsible for our own actions.  Buddhism teaches that all of the suffering we experience is created from within. My mind is full of delusion and blind passions.  I run after all the things I think that will make me happy and I run from all the things I don't want in my life.  Causes and conditions come together and I am confronted with situations that challenge my concept of "right" and "wrong" and "good" and "bad".

I believe there is no God to save me nor a Devil to tempt me.  Take those two concepts out of the equation and what I have left is:

me with a GIANT EGO, a fragile human body and a voice to shout

Namu Amida Butsu!

What I also have is a heart that entrusts in the teachings of Shinran Shonin.  Entrusting in the Vow power of Amida Buddha; the Vow of the Buddha to lead us to the Oneness.(1)  The great ocean of Compassion will carry me throughout my days.  I have to remember not to struggle and simply allow the soothing waters to carry me along my path.

Today, is a beautiful day and I don't feel the need to struggle with life's problems.  I am letting go and floating along.

It is a good day.

Yet, I must always remind myself that the great ocean of compassion surrounds me always, even on my dark days.  The darkness in my mind clouds my vision of what surrounds me.  So I shout out, call out, cry out Namu Amida Butsu!

Amida do you hear me?

Yes!
Yes!
Yes!

Thank you,
Jishin






_____
(1) the Vow of the Buddha to lead us to the Oneness.

I made note of this phrase as spoken by Rev. Mark Unno during his seminar at the Oregon Buddhist Temple on January 19, 2013.

Feel it...know it... (Journal note dated 1-20-2013)

Feel Amida's unconditional compassion surrounding you
Know it is right here
Feel the embracing arms of Amida
Know that you are never abandoned
Feel the Nembutsu to your very core
Know that the Nembutsu is an inseparable part of you
Feel the love
Know the love
Feel the Vow
Know the Vow
Feel Amida
Know Amida

Namu Amida Butsu!




Thank you,
Jishin

Heart wide open...

It hasn't all sunk in yet.  Just spent the last 6 hours hearing the great wisdom of Rev. Dr. Mark Unno.

I mind feels full and my heart feels cracked open wide.

It is quite reminiscent of my time during Tokudo training.  That is how I feel; vulnerable, small, and humbled.

One question posed to us during the seminar:

Who am I really?

Deeply question the labels we have put on ourselves.

Allow the light of Amida to illuminate you with the light of truth.

Allow the Nembutsu to become the power that drives you through life.

Another statement that stuck with me from today's lecture:

It is often said that "failure is not an option."

Well in Shin Buddhism "failure is a necessity!"

I get that. I get that on a deep deep heart level. 

I am not a failure as a person. No matter how I may have screwed up in my life...I am ok in the Nembutsu.  My karmic path in life is what it is; even if I try my darndest to change, to be a good person.   Recognizing that failure is necessary in order to have a point of reference for success is essential.  One's appreciation for both success and  failure serves as a touchstone for the realization of gratefulness in one's life. 

Amida's Compassion is unconditional...I am embraced just as I am.  As you live the Nembutsu please remember entrusting is essential.  It is of the utmost importance to hear Amida's call.

When you utter the Nembutsu..your breath is the breath of Amida, your voice is Amida's voice calling Namu Amida Butsu...you become Amida's expression of limitless compassion and wisdom.

I am grateful grateful for the opportunity to hear so many great teachers in my life.

Rev. Unno and Rev. Gibbs are two such teachers.

Humbly your student...

Thank you,
Jishin

A little thought..

Grateful for the chance to think on Amida today.

It has been a long day...almost midnight now.

I will soon go to sleep with Amida on my mind.

Sing myself to sleep with a gentle Nembutsu song.

Closing my eyes to the outside world.

Entering the world of Samsara within my own mind.

I ask the chattering of my thoughts to hush.

Quiet now...quiet....

I want to hear the whisper of Namu Amida Butsu as I drift...

Namu Amida Butsu.....
Namu Amida Butsu.....
Namu Amida Butsu.....


Good night.

Thank you,
Jishin

Amida sings a song...(journal notes 1-17-13)

Amida sings a song of hope.  Amida sings a song of love.  I hear Amida's voice in the heavens calling to me..birds sing with Amida's voice, the click, click of crickets is the Nembutsu...the rooster crows Namu Amida Butsu Namu Amida Butsu!  Do you hear it? Did you wake up?  What will it take for you to hear the music of Amida's Compassion and Wisdom calling your name? 
Amida is always calling me...
Unceasingly...
Never gives up on the likes of me..
This silly little bird..
I open my mouth to sing...
Namu Amida Butsu...
The sweetest song I know..

Thank you
Jishin

words that come to mind

love
compassion
share
compromise
learn
grow
heal
help
heart
home
enlighten
entrust
light
breathe
breath
voice
silence
hurt
pain
dying
death
born
alive
karma
here
now
buddha
bodhi
mind
me
you
other
Amida
thankful
grateful
foolish
human
wisdom
embrace

words that come to mind in this moment

what would your list of words look like this very moment?

care to share your list?

thank you
Jishin

A million miles from here....

Ever have that feeling that Amida can't find you?  Some days I feel like I am a million miles away from Amida's grasp...so far away from the limitless reaches of Amida's compassion and wisdom. Some days I feel like a horrible person. 

I trip over my own feet and fall square into the arms of Amida.  I say Namu Amida Butsu and realize how foolish I am in my negative thinking.  Why do I continue to create suffering in my mind with selfish thoughts?  I am only human. Though I sometimes behave like an animal or a devil and on a good day I am free and happy as a bird.

My mind is untamed and full of desires and unchained thoughts.

Living a life in the Nembutsu doesn't fix all of my foolishness.  If anything, living a life in the Nembutsu highlights the flaws.

Entrusting is the cushion on which I can rest my weary head.  It feels good to stop, sit down, slow down, and think on Amida. 

Entrusting is essential.
Amida is here.
Amida is now.

Namu Amida Butsu

Thank you,
Jishin

Becoming true friends.....

The following excerpt is from the Collected Works of Shinran

Related Works

Essentials of Faith Alone

Seikaku
...
Although there are many important doctrines concerning the nembutsu, they can be summarized in the preceding way. Some people who read this will surely ridicule it. Nevertheless, both belief and slander will become a cause for each one's birth in the Pure Land. With the pledges of friendship in this life - brief as a dream - to guide us, we tie the bonds for meeting before enlightenment in the coming life. If I am behind, I will be guided by others; If I go first, I will guide others. Becoming true friends through many lives, we bring each other to the practice of the Buddha-way, and as true teachers in each life, we will together sunder all delusion and attachment.

Honored Sakyamuni, the teacher,
Amida Buddha, compassionate mother,
Avalokitesvara, on the left,
Mahasthamaprapta, on the right,

The great ocean of immaculate beings,
The ocean of the three treasures,
Throughout the dharma-realm:
Singleheartedly I think on your witness;
Pity and comfort me, and hear my prayer.

____________________________________________________

"Becoming true friends through many lives, we bring each other to the practice of the Buddha-way, and as true teachers in each life, we will together sunder all delusion and attachment."

Thinking of this beautiful statement I owe my spiritual growth to many Dharma friends.  I can think of a dozen names right off the top of my head.  I started to write them here and the list went from a dozen to over 50!  I don't want to leave anyone out.....so I keep the names close to my heart and in my mind.

Thank you dear Dharma friends for your encouragement, love and friendship.

If you are reading this now, you too are my Dharma friend. Namu Amida Butsu!

Thank you.
Jishin


(Thinking about my friend Carole Panduren inspired today's posting.)

Tokudo Notes

I started this blog as a way to honor my 10th anniversary of receiving Tokudo.  I kept a small journal during the weeks leading up to my journey to Kyoto, Japan as well as throughout the process.  I would like to share some of those personal reflections with you.

Thank you for taking the time to read them.  ~Jishin
______________________________________________________

Tokudo Journal Note Excerpts

October 3, 2003
It is my daughter's 20th birthday.  Arrived at airport.  It is very warm here.
Shuttle driver said it is a two hour drive to Kyoto.  I am sure there will be stops along the way.
I arrive at the Hongwanji.  Overwhelemed by it all.
----
Rev. Sasaki arrives and walks me to the robe maker's shop.  I get to try on all of my robes.  My first name "Diane" is embroidered onto every piece.  Very beautiful.

October 6, 2003
First day wearing of the robes.  We must wear them all the time now.
Took a tour behind the main altar to see the 400 year old flame and the 400 year old Kansho bell.

October 7, 2003
Today I feel like I am having a break down.  I cry at the drop of a hat.  Feeling so unprepared.
Some of my fellow candidates think I am foolish. One person tells me to basically "get over it".  I don't expect anyone else to understand how deep this experience is affecting me.  I feel like I am being split wide open and broke into pieces.  My ignorance for all to see.  The ugly, the dark, and the lost parts of me.

October 10, 2003
All afternoon with Inagaki Sensei as our teacher.  After today's training we walked through the back gardens to the the great Chinese style gate and the boat house.  It is late and getting dark and the bats are flying after their dinner.

October 12, 2003
Rev. Hayashi arrives.  It is 10:30pm and I am sitting outside under a large tree.  Rev. Hayashi cuts my hair very short in preparation for my tonsure.  (I decide to have my head completely shaved like the men.)

October 14, 2003
Head shaved at Nishiyama training school.  I touch my head.  The skin does not feel human.  Who am I?

October 16, 2003
Ordination day.  Visit Shinran's memorial site and offer incense.  Photographers take our pictures.

A duty of a priest:
"Share you life in such a way to become a strong influence."

"Realize Shinjin for oneself and guiding others."

Jishin kyo ninshin (自信教人信) (Thank you to Dharma friend, Dominick for the clarification.)

"The Dharma is to be comprehended by one's whole being"

"It is a whole life commitment."
____________________________________

It was very emotional for me to re-read allot of my notes (not all are noted here). Hard to believe it will be 10 years since writing these words and experiencing Tokudo.

I am a very simple person, not highly educated and a terrible student.  I should study more and strive to be a better Priest.  My heart aches when I think of my life in the Nembutsu..when I think on Amida.  The ache is not one of sadness, but of a full-ness of deep-rooted joy...so, so deep that it is hard to describe.

Maybe you have that ache, too.

Namu Amida Butsu

Thank you,
Jishin

Recite the Nembutsu!

In honor of Rev. Zuiken Saizo Inagaki (1885-1981).

称えよ称えよ　大悲の声は　南無阿弥陀仏

　　Tonaeyo tonaeyo daihi no koe wa Namoamidabutsu

　　Recite the Nembutsu, keep reciting it.
　　The voice of Great Compassion is
　　Namo Amida Butsu.

______________________________________________________________________

I find myself saying Namu Amida Butsu daily.  Not necessarily out loud, but I stop and give pause and say the Nembutsu.  I try to send those words straight to my heart.  It is often that I feel a pain deep within that can only be relieved with the uttering of the Nembutsu.  I don't look to the Nembutsu as "magic" or "healing" but I find comfort in saying Namu Amida Butsu.

Some of my thoughts when saying Namu Amida Butsu:

Namu Amida Butsu...I take refuge in the Buddha of Infinite Wisdom and Compassion.

Namu Amida Butsu...Thank you!

Namu Amida Butsu....I am grateful for Amida.

Namu Amida Butsu....I hear you calling!

Namu Amida Butsu....I am here.

Namu Amida Butsu.....I am overwhelmed with life.

Namu Amida Butsu....I am happy!

Namu Amuda Butsu....I feel utterly lost.....help!

Namu Amida Butsu....I am grateful to know Amida.

Namu Amida Butsu....I hear my friend Amida calling.

Namu Amida Butsu.....Grasped!

Namu Amida Butsu...Found!

Thank you,
Jishin

Sunshine today

There is sunshine today
in my heart
in my mind
it is a good day
Namu Amida Butsu

Drops of water cling to the tree branches
light sparkles through them
I see jewels everywhere
I see the light
of Amida everywhere
Namu Amida Butsu

A bird sings
My teapot whistles
calling me to tea
Amida sings
calling me to listen
Namu Amida Butsu







Thank you.
Jishin

Amida's Joy (Journal entry 1-10-13)

Amida's Joy

I don't seek forgiveness from Amida.  All that I do that creates negative results, well, that is my deep ignorance at work.  I take ownership of my faults.

On the other hand, I find myself striving to be a better person, to be more compassionate and to learn from my mistakes.

Why?

Because I imagine Amida's joy.

I imagine Amida's joy in making and fulfilling the Vow to save all sentient beings.  Now, I realize I am injecting some of my imagination here, but I like to think of Amida filled with joy.  Like a joyful parent looking upon a child.

I feel like a child in the eyes of Amida.  I am filled with the promise of becoming like my parent; enlightened and filled with compassion and wisdom.  So I stumble along, learning how to walk on the path that is often filled with challenges.  Some days it is 10 steps forward, 5 steps back.  Yet, the thought of Amida's joy comes to my mind and I push myself a few steps ahead..to keep going...must keep going....

I am the child
Amida, the parent
my heart is grasped
never abandoned
I am
ok
just as I am.......

Namu Amida Butsu
Namu Amida Butsu
Namu Amida Butsu

Thank you.
Jishin

Hitch Hiker....

Wednesday
January 9, 2013

We drove to Portland (Oregon) today.  While passing through the small town of Scappoose we noticed a young man hitch hiking. He had a kind face and I said, "stop the car, let's give him a ride!"  So we stopped, I hopped out and motioned to him to come with us.  He had a big smile on his face as he came running, though weighed down by his big backpack.  He introduced himself and off we went together.  He talked non-stop about his adventures.  He has been hitch hiking for the past 4 years all around the United States.  He said that in all of those years he always had the good fortune of meeting nice people that would give him a ride to his next destination.  He was pleasant and very grateful for the ride.  We dropped him off in downtown Portland.  He thanked us again and off he went on his merry way to meet up with a friend.

I have been thinking about the whole interaction we had with this stranger today.

There is a certain level of trust and fearlessness that one must have in order to hitch hike.  It is also true of those of us that are willing to stop and pick up a stranger.  It is a mutual act of trust that happens very quickly based on a "feeling" and not a "knowing".

For a long time I felt like a spiritual hitch hiker.  Going from place to place, yet never knowing where was home.

18 years ago I walked into a Buddhist temple.  I took a deep breath.  I was nervous, but I had a "feeling" that Buddhism was going to be part of my life from that moment on.  I didn't "know" why, I just "felt" it.

When I came to learn about Shin Buddhism, I heard about Amida Buddha.  I not only felt like I had found my spiritual "home", I absolutely knew it!

Amida Buddha saw me hitch hiking on the Karmic Highway and offered this foolish passenger the ride of a lifetime.

Namu Amida Butsu

Thank you.
Jishin

The Girl with the Nembutsu Tattoo

The Girl with the Nembutsu Tattoo

Who is she?

She is a daughter, a mother, and a grandmother.

She rides a vespa, drives a hybrid and loves new adventures.

She is an artist and a writer.

She loves a variety of music....Muse, Enya, Rage Against the Machine, Hendrix, Metallica, Dido..just to name a few.

She struggles with depression, yet manages to seek out the joys in life.

She is a Buddhist.

She is a Shin Buddhist.  She is an ordained Shin Buddhist Priest.

She worked as a Hospice Chaplain. She found great comfort in comforting the dying.

She is not afraid to face death.

She is the girl with the Nembutsu tattoo.

Why did she do it for all to see?

Because people then ask her, "do you know what that means?"

Then she smiles......

For her it is literally a skin deep reminder of the words that saved her life....

Namu Amida Butsu


Thank you,
Jishin

What I did not do today.....

7, January 2013

(I am trying to resist the urge to write each post like I would prepare a Dharma talk for temple service.)

I want the post to reflect my thoughts from the day.  It may or may not flow, may not be grammatically correct and may even be just plain ugly...but it will be a glimpse of my life.  Thanks for reading.

_________________________________________________________________________________

I woke up this morning

and

didn't say Namu Amida Butsu.

I turned on hot water for a shower

and

didn't say Namu Amida Butsu.

I fixed a healthy breakfast

and

didn't say Namu Amida Butsu.

I got in my car and drove to town

and

didn't say Namu Amida Butsu.

I looked at my wrist.

I wasn't wearing my juzu

and still...

I didn't say Namu Amida Butsu.

Sitting here writing this note

thinking of my day

thinking what I should share with others

being honest

feeling humbled by Amida's Compassion and Wisdom

feeling the embrace

I say

Namu Amida Butsu

Namu Amida Butsu

Namu Amida Butsu

~Thank you

Jishin

Good Person - Evil Person

I recently re-read the book The Buddha's Wish for the World by Monshu Koshin Ohtani.  I highly recommend you read it, too

In the Chapter entitled "We all like to put ourselves first", it tells how Shinran Shonin himself was the first to admit that he was full of blind passions and found himself breaking precepts.

"...those of us who live out our lives drifting on the sea of blind desires, unable to stem the tide of blind passions - who, through an epic encounter with the compassion of Amida Buddha, are truly brought to our senses and made to realize the negative tendencies of our ways.  Such a person is the one who at last comes to be liberated.  This is the teaching that the evil ones are the true objects of the compassion of the Buddha."
___________________________________

I am an artist...a very visual person when it comes to my thoughts...I imagine myself drifting on the sea of desires, blind passions, ignorance.... all of that stuff that I get bogged down in on a day to day basis.

When I think I am being "good" is that wrong?

When I think I am being "bad" is that wrong?

When I think I am.....is that wrong? (smile)

ok getting too deep now....I digress...

As a Shin Buddhist I look to Shinran and his struggles..emotional, spiritual, and physical struggles.  We can all relate to those same struggles.  After his early years of training, then meeting Master Honin his focus become clear...follow the Nembutsu path.

As a foolish being, I can do nothing, absolutely NOTHING to gain spiritual enlightenment on my own.  I am tethered to this earth by my desires.  I curse at the heavens one day and bow down to the earth the next.

I listened and heard the teachings of Shinran Shonin.  I found my refuge in the Nembutsu.

Never to be abandoned...a promise made and kept by Amida....truly a gift to mankind.

Am I worthy of such a gift?  I don't think I am most days...

All I can say is "thank you".

Namu Amida Butsu

thank you,
Jishin

Hey Wake Up! (journal entry 1-5-13)

Hey wake up!   Sounds very Buddhist doesn't it?

I sometimes like to imagine Amida Buddha calling to me and saying, "Hey, wake up!"

Amida is also saying to me...

"Look around you"

"Be grateful"

"Life is good"

"Namu Amida Butsu"

"The Dharma is everywhere"



Problem is...me.....I don't always listen.....sometimes I even ignore the call of Amida....yes, I said it outloud...

I sometimes ignore the call of Amida.....because my mind goes racing into old habits.

I struggle with hurtful thoughts towards myself and others.  Negative thoughts rule my mind some days.

Greed, anger and delusion take root in my mind and grow.  I fertilize them with my own bullshit and before you know it I have a bunker crop of negative thoughts....yeah me....uggh.....

So where is Amida?

Where is the Nembutsu in all of this?

Amida is in the midst of all my delusion.

The Nembutsu falls painfully from my lips.  The pain is mine....not Amida's.

The light of Amida is never dimmed from the incredible darkness I create at times in my own life.

Namu Amida Butsu
Namu Amida Butsu
Namu Amida Butsu

Calling to Amida.....hearing Amida calling...

Wake Up!

Wake Up!

Wake Up!

Namu Amida Butsu

Thank you.

Jishin
(notes from journal 1-5-13)

Causes and conditions...

Through causes and conditions, my adopted son was poisoned with alcohol, cocaine and various other drugs before he was born into this world.  Upon arriving in this world he made his way into my life at the very young age of 3.  He spent the next 10 years growing up listening to the Dharma, being surrounded by a sangha and hearing about the Nembutsu path.  I truly believe that he is embraced by Amida's Compassion and Wisdom.

And in the midst of Amida's Compassion and Wisdom.....

I had to surrender his care into more specialized hands 2.5 years ago...in a sense I had to "give up" the responsibilities of being his parent because it became apparent that his mental health issues could lead to my physical harm.  People often act out their aggressions with people they feel the closest and safest.

The guilt of not being able to help him has overwhelmed me and sent me time and time again into depression.

Where is Amida's Compassion and Wisdom in all of this?

How can I hear Amida calling me when my mind is dark and full of my own "screaming noise"?

Where is Amida?

Where is Amida?

Where is Amida?

Right here.....right here....right here.....right here....always.....always...always embraced never abandoned....

and 2.5 years later....

today, January 4, 2013

I spent three hours visiting my son, shopping, having lunch...a good visit....a good visit....a good visit.

Therein, lies Amida....

Namu Amida Butsu

Thank you,
Jishin

Starving....

I feel like I am starving today having recently cut out allot of carbs from my diet.  Ok, I know I am not "starving" but my mind and my stomach (well mostly my mind) tell me otherwise.

So I find ways to divert my thoughts of eating junk food and watch that I don't overdose on "healthy foods"...all in moderation, right.  Which brings me in a round about way of thinking about the Dharma.

I have to strive...wait, not just strive....I have to fight damn hard...to walk the middle way when it comes to my health.  I have to keep my emotional and physical cravings in check.

And yet...

I do not feel a craving when it comes to my spiritual and religious life......not in the sense of feeling that I am starving or in need of more.  What more could I ask for as a Shin Buddhist?  When it comes to Amida Buddha's Infinite Wisdom and Infinite Compassion that is directed towards me, there is absolutely nothing more to ask for...nothing.  I can give "up" to Amida's embrace and be grateful.

Thank you.

Jishin

Namu Amida Butsu

It starts now.....

On January 1, 2013 I declared on the Facebook page "Jodo Shinshu Buddhists" that I would write down my thoughts on the Nembutsu every day for a year.  It is a goal that I hope to achieve.  Though I am keeping my thoughts in written form in a notebook, I will publish them here as well.

Some words come to mind when I think of this task:

nervous
excited
overwhelming
crazy
insane
grateful
compassion
Amida
help
sadness
depression
wisdom
friends
life
darkness
light

Ok, there are a few words that come to mind when thinking on the Nembutsu.

Living is no easy task, living in the Nembutsu may be even more difficult.  It's like looking in a magnifying mirror and noticing all of the imperfections.

Living in the light of Amida can be blinding, yet I am not blind to the Compassion and Wisdom in which I am embraced.

Thank you.

Namu Amida Butsu